Posted in Life

Of Scammers and real owners 

Whozza! 

Holla Holla.. 

I trust you’re doing well.. If so, Doxology 😂. 

Today’s title is a real life story. My friend told me to go ahead to publish it. 

 DISCLAIMER!

I was laughing when he gave me the gist but now, I’ve lost steam so, don’t blame me if you don’t find it as funny as I did.
How many of you think because you live in Lagos (or Nigeria sef), you can’t get Scammed?  Ameannnnn.. Nigeria has practically ‘torn’ people’s eyes so, how can’t you be immune to scams? 

So, my friend, call him Bobo, got a scholarship for his MSc in January(BTW, I couldn’t contain my joy for him) in the US so, off to America he went. 

You know the general thought that once your friend is outside Nigeria and receiving excessive cold into his body, he’s made for life and he automatically has tarty-million for the akant? I think that was what bobo’s friends thought. Plus, we already have a friend in the ‘abroad’ so, let us start buying from Amazon ;our friend will bring it or find a way of sending it to Naija for us. That’s the only part I like sha. 

Bobo’s friend, call him  Ade, tells Bobo that he saw an iPhone on a US online store and would like him to help buy it then send to Naija. The deal was obviously very good. $275 for an iPhone plus it’s from Amerika. 

Bobo rings up the phone seller,they negotiate and reach an agreement for Bobo to wire half of the money and after the guy sends the phone via post, the 50% balance would be transferred to the seller. Sounds fair enough By the way, it’s quite a distance between the seller and Bobo. 

Some 30-40 minutes later, Bobo gets a picture of the seller sending the picture of the phone at the post office and he thought 💭 deal was done so he did what?  He transferred the 50% balance to the seller. Good boy! 

1 hour later… No phone. Well, it could be the ‘traffic’. You know there could be ‘hold up’ in oyinbo land too.

2 hours later, Phone is yet to appear. It’s like the guy sent the phone to a wrong mail box ‘ so Bobo in the infinite wisdom given to him by God, decides to call Mr seller. Guess what? 

Just guess naw.. 
 Scammer Seller had blocked bobo’s number. He dialed it a second time..same thing. That was when he knew he had been scammed. 

Hehehe.  What a way to say welcome to America! This happened in his first month of arrival. 

Did I remember to tell you Bobo was trying to be a good friend by helping Ade buy the phone with his money for him to be later refunded? Apparently, his money which he used was not really his.. It was someone else’s money 💵. Talk about double double. 😂. 

That was a wrong emoticon. It should have been 😐 😐 

If I was the one something like that happened to , I would go to the rest room to purge.. My stomach would get upset for no reason before the tears start flowing. Because in my mind, I’ll be like

  • First of, GOD!  WHY DID YOU ABANDON ME?
  • So……., the person whose money I used to buy Ade’s phone, he’s not the real owner? Because, the real owner just came to collect his money. You get? 
  • How could I be scammed?  Me? A whole Lagos girl. Most Lagosians are naturally paranoid. Before a Lagos girl does something, she’d have thought of a thousand what-ifs before settling for the positives.
  • Then I’ll settle for the real tears. Forgerrit, it’s definitely going to fill a bucket then I’ll probably sleep off, then wake up the following morning to confirm if what happened the night before was for real. 
  • Then I would probably console myself and say something like ‘the scammer has kukuma taken all my sorrows away’. There’s always two ways of seeing things. Talmbout angu!

Then life as I know it will continue. After all, t’ésin bá dani, a máa túuň gùn ni. I don’t know how to translate it. Sorry ma/sah.

Have you ever been scammed in a strange land or new place before?  I would love to hear from you. 

You know the drill, drop a comment. 

Xoxo.

Posted in Uncategorized

Hip-hop and other drugs 

Holla.

Welcome to your favorite story telling channel -tales by phone-light 😂 😂. 

Today is about hip-hop and others. What were you thinking?  Hip-hop as in genre of music?  Hehehehe. So, you don’t know that hip-hop now has a lot of meanings?  Could mean music just like cucumber is a fruit. 😂 😂. 

You’re lost,  I know.  I know the look on someone’s face when he’s lost. 

Apparently, I’m becoming an old-school. I graduated from Uni 5 years ago and I can’t believe I don’t know what’s going on in my immediate environs any longer. 

I went to meet Alvin to make my hair immediately after work today. He had almost finished installing my hair when this girl (about 18 years old)  came in with guy who’s obviously a yaba boy. Why are you asking me how I know he’s a yaba boy?  When you know, you know. 😂 

Both had their hands locked in the other’s. Then she asked Alvin for the ‘stuff’. Alvin gives her and the yaba boy pays him some money I didn’t know the amount. It was after they had left that Alvin started advertising his wares to me. He told me what the girl came to buy was hip-hop (atleast that was I thought he said). It was when he stated the function of hip-hop that my ‘inner eyes ‘ opened. Let me quickly run you through his services. 

1. Hip-hop – A drug that can help you grow hips. Goes for 3k. You use it for a week then you see the effects. Almost immediately. Alvin says it’ll look like Nicki Minaj’s own. How true that is, I can’t say. Obviously, it’s not hip-hop. It’s hip-up.

The hip-hop I know 

The hip-hop Alvin is talmbout 😂 

2. Breast pumping (enlargement) – He showed me one machine that can- in his words – ‘make your breast touch Okada man’s back ‘ when you’re riding a bike 🚲. It looked like a machine that pumps air into football. I’m not sure what it pumps into people’s breasts though. Goes for #35k.

3. Chewing gum – At this point, I’m going to sigh deeply. O su mi mehn. 

This is the chewing gum I’m used to. Okay, I’m not saying the entire truth. Orbit is N250 so I can’t be used to it because my friends and colleagues won’t buy theirs but will beg from me until it finishes. I’m used to Banana chewing gum (the one that has questions on the wrapper) and sprint. 😂. If you don’t know those two, just give me your lunch money for a week. 

I don’t have a picture of the chewing gum Alvin is talking about but apparently, Alvin’s chewing gum is an aphrodisiac. When you (as a girl) chew it and have sex with your significant other, he’ll “never leave your side forever and ever”. This one is for #1k.

First of, do people have any idea of what they’re ingesting for these purposes?  You pop in pills as cheap as 3k and you expect zero side effects in future? For what exactly? 

Secondly and most importantly, love yourself!  Love yourself. It can’t be overemphasized. Who are you doing this radarada hip up for that your life doesn’t matter to you? Ehn?  

Anyone that makes you dim your light or change (your body)  for him/her will never be satisfied because you keep changing until you no longer recognize yourself. 

If you care to know, it’s not just my hair stylist who sells these o. A lot of guys under Ikeja bridge do the same. From giving you pink lips to penis enlargement (yes o, they do that too.Wonder working powers of Ikeja under bridge).

Please, if you don’t love your body, atleast, love yourself and remember that ‘your body is the temple of the Living God ‘. You don’t own it.

Have you ever had this experience?  Please, share. I’d love to hear from you. 

Hips up 😂 😂 

Xoxo 


P.s- Alvin is one of the best hair stylists in yaba. Tested. Proven fact. He didn’t pay for the advert oo.

Posted in Uncategorized

Lagos Landlords 

All my life, I never thought I would leave my parent’s house before I got married to live on my own. It was like an abomination. No one had ever done that in my family in the past. But hey. I’m the pace setter. The rule breaker. 

Luckily for me, I got a job in Lagos, many kilometers away from where my parents built the family house. Still, I stayed with a family friend – Oghale for four wonderful months until she got married. Unfortunately for my parents (I don’t think it’s a fortunate situation for me anyway),  I don’t have aunties or uncles in Lagos. Left to my parents,they would have made me stay at one of these extended family members’ if possible sef. Oh well. 

I always thought that once you had your money, it would be easy for you to get the house of your choice easily. So, you can imagine my shock when after telling my agent I had N300k as my budget, he took me to this poverty-stricken looking, shrine look-alike house as the equivalent of my rent’s worth. This was at yaba o( I couldn’t even dream of living on the island with that salary ). Safe to even say some of these houses have no water -you have to buy a drum where you literally buy water for keeps. Show me those primary school teachers who told us water was a free/ natural resource. Amean….it’s annoying. Some other houses are called ‘flats’ but are actually built in face-me-i-face-you pattern. You literally can see everything your neighbor is doing. The annoying one is your window leading into someone else’s compound.  

Like you’re actually in the same house but not really in the same house. You’re confused?  So am I! 

Come two years after your stay in the house, wait for it… Your landlord increases your rent by 80-100% with zero improvement or renovation in the house o. 

There was even the story of a landlord I heard, he wanted to turn the two shops outside the tenants’ house to a flat so, he removed the roof off the tenants’ house, leaving just the asbestos. 😂 😂.  How crazy could that be? 

I think there should be laws against house owners doing whatever they liked which is not in favor of their tenants. Most Landlords know Accommodation in Lagos is a big deal and feel they can get away with anything.

I think it’s an individual issue. So many people’s lack empathy and act like they won’t have children of their own. Plus, tables turn anyway so.. Just that some of these people might not be alive to see the tables turn to their directions. 

Do you have a Lagos landlord story you’d like to share?  You know what to do. I would love to hear from you. 

Xoxo.

P.S- One of the Landlord cases is my experience 😂 

Posted in Uncategorized

Lastma officials will always be Last men

I don’t like uniformed officials in Nigeria. Except for the Naval men and Pilots. Every other set, I dislike. Policemen. Army official. Customs official.LASTMA

LASTMA guys are actually the cause of this post. A simple question though. Why do they pray for the downfall of their fellow Nigerians? Other than that, what else? 

I boarded a bus from sabo to obalende with the driver shouting to everyone’s hearing that there was no busstop along the road. Moreso, a new penalty of N100k will be paid by defaulters. Meanwhile,there was this aboki guy who turned deaf ears to everything the driver said and forced his way through the window at a busstop full of policemen, soldiers and lastma officials. Long story short, he was arrested. Guess what again?  The driver was arrested alongside the aboki for letting his window be easily accessible for the aboki to jump out. I couldn’t even believe my ears. 

Why would you fault someone who had no control over what the mallam did?  Why?  Because of N100k you did not work for but are hungry to collect. Why again?  Because your ‘boss’ set a target for you to meet which you can only achieve by robbing innocent Nigerians. 

It’s a different case if the driver was at fault.  In this case, he wasn’t and the officials turned deaf ears to we the passengers telling it as it happened.

What do you think about LASTMA officials? Have you ever had a horrible experience with them?  Do share. I would love to hear from you. 

Xoxo 

Posted in Uncategorized

The Tarkwa Bay trip 

Hello Everyone. Happy happy new year. Late, I know.. But happy new year again 😂. 

In light of the new year, owning a blog is part of my bucket list so, here we are! 

2017 came in not-a-smiling way for me. In a not-so-rude shock so, no resolution for the year ;more like that day. I only promised to make more friends, go on more tours, be a better friend, show more love and do so many firsts this year. It’s more like a wakabout year ahead, hopefully. 

So, when I saw the tarkwa bay opportunity on irinajo(the journey) ‘s TL, I jumped at it. At first, I was very excited I’d be going to the beach but when the day drew closer, I started developing cold feet. For a good reason actually. 

I’m a bit of an extremist when I meet people for the first time (with people generally).  I could be very quiet all through or be the talkative. I’m yet to find out what triggers either personality. So, I was kind of curious myself that I’d just go there to have zero fun. 

The meeting point was Fiki Marines;opposite law school in Victoria island. We agreed to meet for 10am but as you know we’re Nigerians so, we didn’t take off until around some minutes past 12.

The boat ride lasted for about 20 minutes from the Fiki Marines point. Even though that wasn’t my first boat ride and except for the (fine) uncle ‘franking’ his face beside me, I enjoyed it because of the lovely set of people in the boat with me. I think they were just adventure-ready.

We had to walk through the water when we arrived the beach because the tide was against us plus there were guys willing to carry you through the water for N500. In my mind, I was like N500 because??  

There was this guy who came to say hello because my face looked familiar to him (trust me, he’s never seen me before.. I know). I told him I’d hold his hand as we passed through. He officially became my trip bestie. One leg dipped into the water, it was as if the water would ‘carry’ me away. I more like begged the N500 guy to carry me and my thoughts changed to ‘Please, what is the worth of N500 to my life? E dákun ‘ I didn’t even care that people were watching. After all, Aìlèsòrò n’ìbèrè oríburúkú.

The high point of my day was the fact that I made friends with these two wonderful girls – Chinyere and Itohan. I told them I’d be tagging along with them for the day and they were cool with it. They were so nice to have offered me part of their kilishi. 

We got some beach seats and in no time, the (dry) DJ started playing music.

There was small chops, jollof rice&plantain, soft drinks and booze for all. Some came with ludo, ayo,whot, and other known games. There were also interesting items being sold at the beach -bracelets, beach hats at ridiculously cheap prices. 

Chinyere suggested we walked to the first end of the beach where there were big rocks and lovely sights. We were able to see the Atlantic City(read Bar beach) while standing on the rocks. I personally think the tarkwa beach is the other end of bar beach 

Chinyere had a camera so were able to capture some really lovely sights. When returning, we met two photographers who took shots of us while jumping into the air. We told them to go with us to the other end of the beach which they agreed to. 

The other end was even more fun, trust me. It had higher waves and all these fearless oyinbos were surfing on the high wave waters. I couldn’t even tell my mother I was going to the beach. She’d beg me not to enter water and these ones were surfing 🏄 like they had two lives? 

Thanks to @ovyay and @101xryztalcreatives. They totally made my day. They tried to bring out the models in we girls. You would have been proud of me taking pictures in the water 💦. I’ll definitely share the pictures when they’re out. Need I mention that @101xryztalcreatives pays attention to very minute details? At some point I channeled the oyo girl in me and was like ‘o ma wa ga o’.
Long story short, tarkwa beach is a really beautiful place. Very under exploited though. The peace and calm by the water side is what I love. Major con is the fact that the beach is just naked. No side attractions that could make it interesting if you don’t go with your own music and games (what’s that?).  I saw some huts and small houses there too. Like it’s actually some people’s home towns. I wouldn’t mind sleeping and waking up by a water side everyday (until a shark comes to eat you up. 😂 😂). The experience brought out the child in me. Plus, I didn’t know anyone there. Who was I doing shakara for? 

I don’t mind doing another trip with irinajo tours. They only need to step up their game in controlling the crowd, enabling networking and organizing interesting games for everyone to participate. 

Do you want to go to tarkwa beach soon?

  • Please go with friends. 
  • Take some (plenty)  money along with you. So many goodies to buy 
  • Your beach/swimsuit could also come in handy 
  • A camera would be very useful too. You really want to capture those sights. 

Have you been to the tarkwa beach and you want to share your experience?  Please do. I would really love to hear from you. Xoxo